Thoughts on Change

I've been contemplating lately how the things that happen to us and the things that we do always change us as people. Sometimes it's for better, sometimes for worse, and sometimes both. Certain core characteristics usually stay the same, but in general, you are not the same "you" today as you were five years ago.
Jeff and I have recently come to the other side of a very hard trial. For 2 years, we were completely broke. And I'm not talking regular "newlywed broke." I'm talking "crap, we don't have enough money to pay the rent on time and buy groceries" broke. We both tried our very hardest, Jeff constantly applying to jobs, networking, studying for certification exams, and working retail to make ends meet, and I working my little fingers off doing freelance work while trying to find different ways to cook rice and beans. But no matter how hard we seemed to work, our situation didn't improve. In fact, in addition to our dismal finances, here are some other crappy things that happened to us during those two years:
1. Finding out our first apartment was completely infested with bedbugs from the previous tenants. We had bites all over our bodies, and bedbug bites itch and HURT a lot. Not to mention: GROSS.
2. Severe damage sustained on the roof of our first apartment during a hurricane so that water gushed down several of our walls every time it rained, and having the landlord do absolutely nothing about it for 2 months, causing mold to grow.
3. Jeff contracting chicken pox and being soooo sick for two weeks straight because of it. I was thankfully saved from it, since I had had it as a child, but seriously, chicken pox is absolutely miserable as a grown-up.
4. Expensive dental work with no insurance
5. 3 separate car repairs (spread out through about 18 months) that came to about $1500-$2000 EACH.

I don't detail all of this to complain, just to give you a full illustration when I talk about how crappy things were. For two years, Jeff and I both felt constantly beaten down. I remember crying (out loud) to God in anger multiple times. Why did he not hear my prayers? Why was he (seemingly) ignoring us and raining blessings upon everyone else (or so it seemed)? I wasn't asking for anything extravagant. I just wanted us to be able to provide for our basic needs. Why did it seem that this plea was falling on deaf ears?

Last year, Jeff finally got a good job with a good salary, health benefits, vacation time, etc. For the first time in our entire marriage, we don't have to constantly worry about money. God did answer our prayers, it just took him a lot longer to answer than I had wanted. Here's the thing, though. The creator of *everything in the universe* surely knows a thing or two more than I do. Even though I sometimes think I know best, he humbles me by reminding me that he knows *all.* And usually it's in a really kind and gentle way, as if he's putting his arm around me as a father would to his daughter and saying, "Courtney, I know you're frustrated, but this is what you need. Trust me. Everything I do is for your benefit."

So now that I'm on the other side of this trial, I've been thinking a lot about how it changed me, since any trial we go through is supposed to change us. I've been changed for the better, and I've been changed for the worse. Since I want to end on a positive note, I'll start by writing how I've been changed for the worse.

I'm admittedly a little more bitter and angry these days than I was before. Even though I have nothing to be bitter or angry about anymore, it's hard to shake those emotions that ruled my every thought for two years. For any of you who I have snapped at due to this bitterness, please forgive me. I have taken out this anger on pretty much everyone I know, so I am actually surprised that so many of you still like me. Please believe me when I say that I am aware that this is a problem, and that I am trying hard to change and become the happy person I used to be, but it is a process. Thank you for your patience. And to those who took my abuse and stayed beside me (especially my dear husband), you are angels on earth.

I'm also much more reclusive now. When we were broke, we couldn't afford to ever spend money, except for essentials. Since going out anywhere had a cost associated with it (even if it was just using gasoline), we pretty much limited our trips out to essential errands, church, and visiting with family. I also became a bit reclusive because I became incredibly self conscious. I couldn't afford to buy new clothes and shoes, get my hair cut and styled, buy makeup, etc, so I always felt very frumpy and ugly. I also gained quite a bit of weight from stress, so I just generally felt gross and ugly, and did not like people seeing me that way. That is no longer an issue, as I can afford all that stuff now and I have lost most of that extra weight, but it just kind of became a habit. So, if you've tried to set up a "play date" with me and I've declined or made excuses, this was most likely the reason. I am trying to be better and more social like I once was (though I have always been somewhat of an introvert to begin with).

And now to talk about how these trials have shaped me for the better.

I am more charitable now. Okay, that sounds like I'm being totally vain and tooting my own horn. Sorry, I really am not trying to brag. I am most certainly not perfect in my charity (not even close). However, now that I've experienced financial hardship for myself, I am more sympathetic towards others experiencing those same things. Years ago, I'm ashamed to admit, I didn't really give "poor people" much thought. Yeah, I'd give some quarters to the Salvation Army bell ringer and do little things like that, but I didn't do much else. Now, God has opened my eyes, and now that he has blessed Jeff and I with a nice income, I feel a greater obligation to help others in need, and I am grateful for that. So many people helped us out by bringing us dinner, giving us gifts, helping me clean the apartment, bringing me birthday treats, and even writing checks. Those kind acts were rays of sunshine in an otherwise frustrating situation, and I hope that I can someday be that ray of sunshine for someone else.

I have greater faith in God and Jesus Christ. Though I sometimes felt angry towards God during those two years, those were just surface emotions. After my bouts of anger and literally sobbing so hard that I was incapable of speaking my prayers out loud, God blessed me with such beautiful, sweet assurances. Sometimes they were simple feelings of peace and comfort, where I could feel the Holy Ghost all around me, and other times those assurances came in the form of truly sacred experiences that I won't elaborate on here. After these experiences, I can truly say to you that I know that God is there, that Jesus Christ lives, that he is our greatest friend and ally. I know these things to be true, and I have that unshakable faith because of the terrible trials I endured.

Those are my very long-winded thoughts on who I am today versus who I was a few years ago. I know that I will continue to change who I am as I experience the other joys and trials waiting for me down the road, but I hope I can embrace the change and accept the "new me."