Heed Not

I wrote a few weeks ago about how unsettled I have been as of late in regards to the evil I see around me in the world, and I do not use the word "evil" lightly. I see, read, and hear so many things that cause me to lose hope and become discouraged. I've prayed a lot about this and thought a lot about it, too. How can I protect myself and those I love from the evils that so easily discourage me? My answer came in an unexpected way: through the lyrics of a hymn.
The hymn was "Let Us All Press On." I had heard and sung that song probably a million times before. I know the lyrics by heart, and I thought I had learned all there was to learn from that song. But, this time around, with these evils weighing heavily on my mind, these lines stood out to me above all:
"We will heed not what the wicked may say, but the Lord alone we will obey."
When I heard those words, I was struck in my heart by how simple, yet important, the solution to my problem was: Heed not.
It doesn't matter what wicked people say or do. I don't have to let it affect me. I will not heed those things, because the only thing that matters is what the Lord has to say. He is the one I will heed, through the words of the Prophet, through the scriptures, and through my own personal revelation. That's all that I need. I'm so grateful for the peace and clarity that that little piece of inspiration brought me.

Letting Go of Regret

My anxious mind likes to remind me often of things that I regret. Things that I've done, things that I've said, and even things that I failed to do. I've struggled with these regrets for a while now. They swirl around in my mind, making me feel unworthy of respect, love, and grace.
About a year ago, I realized that this is completely unhealthy, so I started on a path of letting go of my regrets. It wasn't easy, but I can now see how my regrets are melting away, freeing me from their tyranny.
First, I tackled the regrets that I could still change. I thought about each of them, and asked myself if there was something I could do right now, today to erase that regret and replace it with accomplishment and joy. For some things, it was absolutely possible for me to work hard and erase that regret, and so I did. That was step one.
The next step was a little harder. There were some things from my past that I regretted that I could do nothing to remedy. Those things had happened, and nothing I could do could change it. I want to "fix" them, but I can't. That's where I let the Grace of God and the Atonement of Jesus Christ take over. I prayed fervently and daily for the strength and clarity to be able to move on from those mistakes. And it worked. It worked slowly, but it worked.
What has helped me immensely is constantly reminding myself that I cannot change the past, but that dwelling on it will only cause me to miss out on my present and my future. I've made mistakes. So have we all. But that does not define who I am. Accepting myself, flaws and all, while trying to improve, has helped me to leave my mistakes where they belong: in the past.
This same principle has also helped me to forgive several people for whom I've held a grudge for a long time. They made mistakes, just as I did, and it's okay. How can I expect to be forgiven of my flawed nature if I don't offer the same courtesy to others?

Pros and Cons of Adulthood

There are many things I love about being an adult. I love being able to pretty much do whatever I want, whenever I want. I love being able to eat whatever I want. I love the feeling of satisfaction that comes from knowing that I did something hard "all by myself." However, I have days in which I wish I could be a kid again. Today is one of those days.
Sometimes I feel scared of things that I have to do and decisions that I have to make. When I was a kid, there wasn't much that truly scared me, because I trusted that my mom and dad would take care of me. They'd make all the decisions and do all the hard things so that I could just enjoy my simple life of going to school, playing, and watching TV. I never had to truly worry about anything. Gosh, I miss those days. Sometimes, like today, I wish that I could have someone just swoop in and take care of me, and I mean just let me sit back while they take care of everything.
I understand that I'm an adult and have to take care of myself, and I don't actually expect anyone to take care of me like my mom and dad used to. That time has passed, but I think I'm allowed to be sad and scared and wish someone would come along and say, "Don't worry about it. Just take a nap and I'll take care of everything.
My husband of course takes care of me, but it's not in the same way, and it shouldn't be. We are equal partners and take care of each other.
Anyway, now I'm just rambling. I've just been feeling scared and frustrated today, and writing about my feelings helps me process them. I'll most likely get over it very soon.

Darkness for Light, and Light for Darkness

"Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!"
-Isaiah 5:20

That scripture has been ringing in ears as of late. I see it all around me. People calling evil good and good evil. At the end of my life on this earth, I want to be found on God's side. God's side is good, light, and sweet, yet many people (the majority it seems at times) would have me believe otherwise. I try to always be kind (though I do not always succeed), but I must also try always to be good, and those two virtues are not exactly the same thing. Does standing up for what I believe to be good and right make me unkind to those who would call evil good? I don't know. It's a hard balance for me to strike. Jesus Christ was always perfectly kind, even to those who fought against Him, but He also always stood up for all things good. I wish I could emulate Him perfectly. So far, I am failing. But I am also always trying.

Motivation

Sometimes it can be hard to motivate myself to get things done. I know that I always feel way better at the end of the day when I've accomplished a lot. I feel better mentally and physically. But sometimes, in the moment, I just don't care. I know that part of this is depression. I've battled with some really hard bouts of depression in the past, and while I wouldn't say that I'm depressed right now, there seems to always be this constant undercurrent of apathy in my mind and heart, and I think that has just become normal for me. It's hard to battle that apathy, but I can do it. I can force myself to get stuff done. The only problem, is that I can't force myself to do creative work, which is what used to bring me such joy. Apathy destroys my creativity, and if I'm not feeling creative, I can't create anything. I wish I could move past this. I want to write. I want to create something artistic and beautiful. First I have to get past this feeling of "meh" to get excited about an idea. That's where my major weakness lies.

Sacrifice, Service, and Lasting Love

Yesterday,  I read an article in which they interviewed a celebrity who recently got divorced. I'm not going to give the celebrity's name, because I frankly don't want to shine any more attention on her. But something she said really disturbed me. She commented how she believes that nothing lasts forever, and it's not possible to love one person forever. She stated that staying married for a long time requires sacrifice, and she'd rather be "happy."

I don't think I could possibly disagree more with that entire statement. She seems to me to have a very selfish and juvenile view of love and happiness and how those two things intertwine. Before I go any further, I have a disclaimer to make: I realize that, in some situations, divorce is the right option. I am not disputing that. I am simply disputing the statement above, that a long, happy marriage is impossible, because sacrifice makes you unhappy.

In my experience, the exact opposite is true. It is only through sacrifice and service that you can be truly, deeply joyful and happy. Yes, selfishness gives some measure of happiness, but that happiness is shallow and fleeting. Deep, abiding love and happiness come from giving of yourself to another. This applies to every kind of love and every kind of relationship: friends, spouses, parent-child, etc. To truly love someone, you must serve them.

I am not a parent, so I recognize that I cannot fully comprehend the love parents have for their children. However, I strongly believe that the main reason parents love their children so deeply is because of the sacrifices they make for them. For 18+ years, parents sacrifice many things for their children, including:

• Time
• Sleep
• Pride/Dignity (like when your kid pukes on you in a public place)
• Money
• Peace of Mind (like when your teenager stays out way past curfew, and you worry sick over it)
• For biological mothers: Physical appearance and well-being (puking for months on end, swollen ankles, stretch marks, etc.)

I'm sure the majority of parents would say that they are more than happy to make these sacrifices for their children, because they love them. And the sacrifices cause them to love their children more, and thus the cycle continues.

The only person to ever live on the earth who loved each of us perfectly is the one person who sacrificed the most for us: Jesus Christ. He laid down his very life for us.

Jeff and I have only been married for about 3 years, but I already have come to learn a few things about true love. That initial "puppy love" feeling fades over time, but it's up to us to determine if it will be replaced by boredom or by a deeper, more abiding love. That deep and abiding love only comes from sacrifice and service. If both partners in a marriage are willing to put the other's needs before their own, their love will last into eternity. Love is a verb, and true love brings the greatest joy in this life, and in the next.

Gordon B. Hinckley, a former president and prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, said:

"The best antidote I know for worry is work. The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired. One of the great ironies of life is this: He or she who serves almost always benefits more than he or she who is served."

70 Times 7

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness recently. Both forgiveness for my own mistakes, and forgiving others. In my natural state, I am a grudge holder. My natural inclination is to mentally list off all of the negative traits of a person who has wronged me until I have convinced myself that they are the most horrible person in existence and I am utterly superior. This is wrong. I know this is wrong. Yet, it's a hard habit to break.

The turning point for me was about a year ago, when I was singing a hymn at church. The hymn is called "Reverently and Meekly Now." I had heard and sung this song many many times in church before, but for some reason this one line really stuck out to me like it never had before: "Oh, forgive as thou wouldst be e'en forgiven now by me."

In that moment, I thought about all the mistakes I've made in the past. I thought about how I have asked God to forgive me. I also thought about how I hoped other people would be patient with me as I worked through my many imperfections. I wanted forgiveness from God. I wanted patience from my peers. Yet, I was unwilling to extend these same courtesies to others. God had allowed me a glimpse at my own pride. He let me know that He was willing to forgive me, but that I needed to extend the same mercy towards others.

I wish I could say that my change of heart was immediate, but it wasn't. I still struggle with old grudges, and new ones, too. But it was the start of a long process. That process is still not complete, and I don't think it ever will be in this life.

One thing I have come to know for certain is that, in an argument, it doesn't matter who is "right." First of all, I truly believe that in most arguments (with very few exceptions), both parties are at fault. And even if I am "right," it doesn't matter. I am only responsible for my actions and my feelings. If I have a negative feeling towards someone, it's my fault, and I can let go of those negative feelings with the help of Jesus Christ. I have tried to be more forgiving in all of my relationships: family, friends, fellow church members, etc. This doesn't always mend relationships, but it mends me and my soul, and for that I am grateful.

I'm a Writer

I enjoy creative writing, and I think it's something I do well. However, in the past few years, I feel like I've kind of lost that part of myself. I had to focus so much on just surviving, that I had very little mental energy left to focus on creative writing.
I've been thinking about this lately, and realizing that I'm letting what used to be a huge part of my identity just slip away, and that's not okay. So, I decided to start writing creatively again.
I haven't actually started yet, because I'm a little nervous to do so after all this time, but I've promised myself that I will. Maybe writing about it here will motivate me to actually do it?
I'm excited to start having hobbies again, rather than just doing regular, day-to-day tasks and practically nothing else. Here goes nothing...

$2 Bills

I found a blog today written by a guy who tries to use $2 bills in his daily monetary transactions, to try to get more $2 bills in circulation, and to see the reactions of different people as he uses these rarely-used bills. I think that would be fun to do. In fact, next time I withdraw money from the bank, I may request some $2 bills to try this out myself, and to have a little fun. :)

Setting Goals and Making Plans

I've set a few goals for myself, and I wanted to record them so that I will be more committed. As I achieve these goals, I will make new ones.

1. Read the entire Standard Works (The Bible, The Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price) in one year.
2. Stay hydrated by drinking more water every day.
3. Be more patient and forgiving in all of my relationships.
4. Procrastinate less, and be more purposeful in my daily activities.

It's the Little Things

I love all of the small, thoughtful things that Jeff does for me. Today was a perfect example. We were sitting in the living room this morning, and I was scrolling through Instagram on my phone. I saw that a bunch of people were posting pictures of the donuts they were having for Valentine's Day breakfast. I said to Jeff, "Mmmm everyone's having donuts this morning. Let's go get donuts." Jeff agreed, but then I realized it was almost 11 AM and I was still in my pajamas, so I said, "Hmmm, never mind, by the time I get showered and ready, it'll be lunch time." After that, I got up and got in the shower.

When I got out of the shower, I found that Jeff had used that opportunity to go to the store to get me flowers...and donuts! He said he was going to go and get me flowers anyway, so he picked up some donuts as long as he was at the store.

For one thing, I find it really sweet that he waited for me to be in the shower before he left to get me flowers (I didn't even know he had left) so he could really surprise me. Then the fact that he saw that there was this silly thing that I wanted, and he got it for me. I love that he is so willing to surprise me. 

Then, when we exchanged gifts later, I opened mine to see that he had bought an Arwen Evenstar necklace (from the Lord of the Rings) for me. Totally nerdy, but it proves that he totally gets me. I've always wanted one of those necklaces, but always felt too nerdy to buy one for myself. I never even expressed this concept to Jeff, because I felt too geeky. But he just knew. Wish fulfilled. Today was a great Valentine's day with my first and only Valentine.

Disappointment

Tomorrow, I will write all about the positive side of love, but today I'm going to write about the negative. By "love," I don't just mean romantic love. I mean all love. Love for a family member, love for a dear friend, or romantic love. Love is so powerful. It can make us feel whole, complete, and filled to the brim with happiness. It can also leave us utterly destroyed and devastated. And then, of course, there's the divine love of Jesus Christ that can heal us from that devastation. So love really is a roller coaster, up and down through our whole lives. Here are some ways love can hurt:

• A loved one dies. This one is guaranteed to happen to everyone at some point in their lives. The more we love a person, the more it hurts when they're no longer with us.
• A loved one experiences pain. This can be painful to watch, especially when there is nothing we can do to alleviate that pain.
• A loved one disappoints us. We all set expectations for those we love, whether we realize it or not, and those expectations can be dashed to bits sometimes. This damage can be repaired, but it's hard.
• We realize someone we love or care about does not feel the same way. This is the case in divorces and other romantic relationship break-ups. However, this can also happen with friendships.

I want to write a little bit about the last two points. I've lost many dear friends over the years due to these two points. Many times, I was the one disappointing the ones who cared about me. Sometimes, we shared the blame, and other times, I was completely disappointed by another's carelessness. Even when I realize that it was me to blame, most of the time it is too late for me to make amends to repair the friendship. Sometimes this regret gnaws at my heart. What if I had acted differently? Could I still count those people among my dear friends? Of course, regret does nothing but bring us down, so I try to forgive myself and others and move on.

As for the last point, I've been the victim of this several times, and I'm sure I've probably done this to others at one time or another. This happens when you really care about someone, whether romantically or just as a dear friend. You think they feel the same, so you invest a lot in your relationship, only to find out that you don't mean nearly as much to them as you thought. Of course this has happened in the past with romantic relationships, but I am glad for those, otherwise I might not be married to Jeff today. But I've had it happen with friends, too. It's hard to accept when you find out that someone you consider a good friend thinks of you as little more than an acquaintance. I guess you just have to mourn for the loss of that friendship and move forward.

Anyway, I know these thoughts are really disjointed, and there's really no point to this post. This is just something that's been on my mind lately.

Tomorrow, seeing as how it's Valentine's Day, I will write down some happy, positive thoughts on love :)

In Defense of the Selfie Stick

I've heard a lot of people making fun of "selfie sticks" lately and I actually think they're a good idea! Some people travel alone or in pairs, and it's hard to get pictures of yourself when you go to fun places. Yeah, you can ask someone to take a picture for you, but that leaves a few problems:

1. There might be nobody else around.
2. You might feel too shy to ask people (I know I am!)
3. You have an expensive camera or phone and don't want to hand it to someone else to drop or steal (this is most definitely not the case with me right now haha)
4. You ask someone to take a photo for you and they take an absolutely terrible one and you don't want to ask them to take it again (this has happened to me on more than one occasion)

What brought on this rant is that I was just thinking about how Jeff and I hardly ever get our picture taken when we go to fun places, and it's because of a lack of photographer! I'm honestly half tempted to buy a selfie stick, but Jeff would be absolutely humiliated to be seen using one. :) So, I guess for now I'll just have to deal with a lack of pictures!

Home

I tend to feel connected to certain places. When I say I love a place, I really mean it. There are 3 or 4 places in this world (so far) that I truly love, almost as much as I love certain people in my life. I don't know what it is exactly, but something in these places seems to whisper to my soul. I am lucky enough to be able to live in one of these places.
Florida never gets old to me. Just being here feels exhilarating and calming all at once. Stepping out the door, feeling the sunshine and the breeze, seeing all sorts of weird birds, hearing the sound of water (whether from the ocean or a lake fountain), it all has a beautiful feeling of "home."

Pizza Delivery!

Jeff and I reached a milestone in our marriage a couple weeks ago: We ordered pizza delivery for the first time since we got married. We had definitely purchased and eaten pizza many times before, but had never had it delivered.
We were both pretty stoked about it. I know that sounds lame. Whatever :) The end.

Dear Friends

There's nothing quite like finding a "kindred spirit." Someone who really "gets" you and is on your side no matter what. For me, these kinds of deep friendships are few and far between, but that's actually what makes them so special.
I've made these kinds of friends through many different stages of my life, in school, at church, and through Disney. I'm terrible at keeping in touch with people (which is why I like Facebook so much, so I can still be somewhat connected to the people who mean so much to me, even across thousands of miles), but whenever we talk again after not really talking for a while, it's as if nothing has changed. I change constantly as I experience different things in life, and so do these friends, but our friendship itself miraculously never changes. It's as if we evolve together as one.
I'm so grateful for these special people in my life.

Fortune Cookie Promises

Last night, we had dinner at Pei Wei (one of my all-time favorite restaurants!) and we of course grabbed a couple of fortune cookies. Jeff has this uncanny ability to pick just the right fortune cookie for a person to read. When I opened the one he gave me, I was so blown away and touched by the message inside:

"No need to worry! You will always have everything that you need."

The best part is that I totally believe that. No matter what happens, God will always provide.

In somewhat unrelated news, Jeff and I filed our taxes yesterday. This marks 2 big milestones for us: 1. It's the first time in our entire married life that we have filed our taxes before April! haha and 2. It is the first time that we do not owe Uncle Sam any money! In fact, we are getting a refund! New experiences. Exciting. I love it. :)

Emma Smith

I found this article through a friend posting a related article on Pinterest, and I absolutely loved it. I don't have much to say about it, but I really wanted to preserve the link here in case I ever want to find it and read it again. It's a bit of a long read, but so worth it.
While reading about the life of Emma, the wife of the prophet Joseph Smith, I was absolutely overwhelmed with the Holy Ghost reminding me of what I already know to be true: This is the true Gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ on the earth. How grateful I am for that knowledge and testimony, and for the pure and perfect love of our Savior.

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1992/08/my-great-great-grandmother-emma-hale-smith

Thoughts on Change

I've been contemplating lately how the things that happen to us and the things that we do always change us as people. Sometimes it's for better, sometimes for worse, and sometimes both. Certain core characteristics usually stay the same, but in general, you are not the same "you" today as you were five years ago.
Jeff and I have recently come to the other side of a very hard trial. For 2 years, we were completely broke. And I'm not talking regular "newlywed broke." I'm talking "crap, we don't have enough money to pay the rent on time and buy groceries" broke. We both tried our very hardest, Jeff constantly applying to jobs, networking, studying for certification exams, and working retail to make ends meet, and I working my little fingers off doing freelance work while trying to find different ways to cook rice and beans. But no matter how hard we seemed to work, our situation didn't improve. In fact, in addition to our dismal finances, here are some other crappy things that happened to us during those two years:
1. Finding out our first apartment was completely infested with bedbugs from the previous tenants. We had bites all over our bodies, and bedbug bites itch and HURT a lot. Not to mention: GROSS.
2. Severe damage sustained on the roof of our first apartment during a hurricane so that water gushed down several of our walls every time it rained, and having the landlord do absolutely nothing about it for 2 months, causing mold to grow.
3. Jeff contracting chicken pox and being soooo sick for two weeks straight because of it. I was thankfully saved from it, since I had had it as a child, but seriously, chicken pox is absolutely miserable as a grown-up.
4. Expensive dental work with no insurance
5. 3 separate car repairs (spread out through about 18 months) that came to about $1500-$2000 EACH.

I don't detail all of this to complain, just to give you a full illustration when I talk about how crappy things were. For two years, Jeff and I both felt constantly beaten down. I remember crying (out loud) to God in anger multiple times. Why did he not hear my prayers? Why was he (seemingly) ignoring us and raining blessings upon everyone else (or so it seemed)? I wasn't asking for anything extravagant. I just wanted us to be able to provide for our basic needs. Why did it seem that this plea was falling on deaf ears?

Last year, Jeff finally got a good job with a good salary, health benefits, vacation time, etc. For the first time in our entire marriage, we don't have to constantly worry about money. God did answer our prayers, it just took him a lot longer to answer than I had wanted. Here's the thing, though. The creator of *everything in the universe* surely knows a thing or two more than I do. Even though I sometimes think I know best, he humbles me by reminding me that he knows *all.* And usually it's in a really kind and gentle way, as if he's putting his arm around me as a father would to his daughter and saying, "Courtney, I know you're frustrated, but this is what you need. Trust me. Everything I do is for your benefit."

So now that I'm on the other side of this trial, I've been thinking a lot about how it changed me, since any trial we go through is supposed to change us. I've been changed for the better, and I've been changed for the worse. Since I want to end on a positive note, I'll start by writing how I've been changed for the worse.

I'm admittedly a little more bitter and angry these days than I was before. Even though I have nothing to be bitter or angry about anymore, it's hard to shake those emotions that ruled my every thought for two years. For any of you who I have snapped at due to this bitterness, please forgive me. I have taken out this anger on pretty much everyone I know, so I am actually surprised that so many of you still like me. Please believe me when I say that I am aware that this is a problem, and that I am trying hard to change and become the happy person I used to be, but it is a process. Thank you for your patience. And to those who took my abuse and stayed beside me (especially my dear husband), you are angels on earth.

I'm also much more reclusive now. When we were broke, we couldn't afford to ever spend money, except for essentials. Since going out anywhere had a cost associated with it (even if it was just using gasoline), we pretty much limited our trips out to essential errands, church, and visiting with family. I also became a bit reclusive because I became incredibly self conscious. I couldn't afford to buy new clothes and shoes, get my hair cut and styled, buy makeup, etc, so I always felt very frumpy and ugly. I also gained quite a bit of weight from stress, so I just generally felt gross and ugly, and did not like people seeing me that way. That is no longer an issue, as I can afford all that stuff now and I have lost most of that extra weight, but it just kind of became a habit. So, if you've tried to set up a "play date" with me and I've declined or made excuses, this was most likely the reason. I am trying to be better and more social like I once was (though I have always been somewhat of an introvert to begin with).

And now to talk about how these trials have shaped me for the better.

I am more charitable now. Okay, that sounds like I'm being totally vain and tooting my own horn. Sorry, I really am not trying to brag. I am most certainly not perfect in my charity (not even close). However, now that I've experienced financial hardship for myself, I am more sympathetic towards others experiencing those same things. Years ago, I'm ashamed to admit, I didn't really give "poor people" much thought. Yeah, I'd give some quarters to the Salvation Army bell ringer and do little things like that, but I didn't do much else. Now, God has opened my eyes, and now that he has blessed Jeff and I with a nice income, I feel a greater obligation to help others in need, and I am grateful for that. So many people helped us out by bringing us dinner, giving us gifts, helping me clean the apartment, bringing me birthday treats, and even writing checks. Those kind acts were rays of sunshine in an otherwise frustrating situation, and I hope that I can someday be that ray of sunshine for someone else.

I have greater faith in God and Jesus Christ. Though I sometimes felt angry towards God during those two years, those were just surface emotions. After my bouts of anger and literally sobbing so hard that I was incapable of speaking my prayers out loud, God blessed me with such beautiful, sweet assurances. Sometimes they were simple feelings of peace and comfort, where I could feel the Holy Ghost all around me, and other times those assurances came in the form of truly sacred experiences that I won't elaborate on here. After these experiences, I can truly say to you that I know that God is there, that Jesus Christ lives, that he is our greatest friend and ally. I know these things to be true, and I have that unshakable faith because of the terrible trials I endured.

Those are my very long-winded thoughts on who I am today versus who I was a few years ago. I know that I will continue to change who I am as I experience the other joys and trials waiting for me down the road, but I hope I can embrace the change and accept the "new me."