Heed Not

I wrote a few weeks ago about how unsettled I have been as of late in regards to the evil I see around me in the world, and I do not use the word "evil" lightly. I see, read, and hear so many things that cause me to lose hope and become discouraged. I've prayed a lot about this and thought a lot about it, too. How can I protect myself and those I love from the evils that so easily discourage me? My answer came in an unexpected way: through the lyrics of a hymn.
The hymn was "Let Us All Press On." I had heard and sung that song probably a million times before. I know the lyrics by heart, and I thought I had learned all there was to learn from that song. But, this time around, with these evils weighing heavily on my mind, these lines stood out to me above all:
"We will heed not what the wicked may say, but the Lord alone we will obey."
When I heard those words, I was struck in my heart by how simple, yet important, the solution to my problem was: Heed not.
It doesn't matter what wicked people say or do. I don't have to let it affect me. I will not heed those things, because the only thing that matters is what the Lord has to say. He is the one I will heed, through the words of the Prophet, through the scriptures, and through my own personal revelation. That's all that I need. I'm so grateful for the peace and clarity that that little piece of inspiration brought me.

Letting Go of Regret

My anxious mind likes to remind me often of things that I regret. Things that I've done, things that I've said, and even things that I failed to do. I've struggled with these regrets for a while now. They swirl around in my mind, making me feel unworthy of respect, love, and grace.
About a year ago, I realized that this is completely unhealthy, so I started on a path of letting go of my regrets. It wasn't easy, but I can now see how my regrets are melting away, freeing me from their tyranny.
First, I tackled the regrets that I could still change. I thought about each of them, and asked myself if there was something I could do right now, today to erase that regret and replace it with accomplishment and joy. For some things, it was absolutely possible for me to work hard and erase that regret, and so I did. That was step one.
The next step was a little harder. There were some things from my past that I regretted that I could do nothing to remedy. Those things had happened, and nothing I could do could change it. I want to "fix" them, but I can't. That's where I let the Grace of God and the Atonement of Jesus Christ take over. I prayed fervently and daily for the strength and clarity to be able to move on from those mistakes. And it worked. It worked slowly, but it worked.
What has helped me immensely is constantly reminding myself that I cannot change the past, but that dwelling on it will only cause me to miss out on my present and my future. I've made mistakes. So have we all. But that does not define who I am. Accepting myself, flaws and all, while trying to improve, has helped me to leave my mistakes where they belong: in the past.
This same principle has also helped me to forgive several people for whom I've held a grudge for a long time. They made mistakes, just as I did, and it's okay. How can I expect to be forgiven of my flawed nature if I don't offer the same courtesy to others?

Pros and Cons of Adulthood

There are many things I love about being an adult. I love being able to pretty much do whatever I want, whenever I want. I love being able to eat whatever I want. I love the feeling of satisfaction that comes from knowing that I did something hard "all by myself." However, I have days in which I wish I could be a kid again. Today is one of those days.
Sometimes I feel scared of things that I have to do and decisions that I have to make. When I was a kid, there wasn't much that truly scared me, because I trusted that my mom and dad would take care of me. They'd make all the decisions and do all the hard things so that I could just enjoy my simple life of going to school, playing, and watching TV. I never had to truly worry about anything. Gosh, I miss those days. Sometimes, like today, I wish that I could have someone just swoop in and take care of me, and I mean just let me sit back while they take care of everything.
I understand that I'm an adult and have to take care of myself, and I don't actually expect anyone to take care of me like my mom and dad used to. That time has passed, but I think I'm allowed to be sad and scared and wish someone would come along and say, "Don't worry about it. Just take a nap and I'll take care of everything.
My husband of course takes care of me, but it's not in the same way, and it shouldn't be. We are equal partners and take care of each other.
Anyway, now I'm just rambling. I've just been feeling scared and frustrated today, and writing about my feelings helps me process them. I'll most likely get over it very soon.

Darkness for Light, and Light for Darkness

"Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!"
-Isaiah 5:20

That scripture has been ringing in ears as of late. I see it all around me. People calling evil good and good evil. At the end of my life on this earth, I want to be found on God's side. God's side is good, light, and sweet, yet many people (the majority it seems at times) would have me believe otherwise. I try to always be kind (though I do not always succeed), but I must also try always to be good, and those two virtues are not exactly the same thing. Does standing up for what I believe to be good and right make me unkind to those who would call evil good? I don't know. It's a hard balance for me to strike. Jesus Christ was always perfectly kind, even to those who fought against Him, but He also always stood up for all things good. I wish I could emulate Him perfectly. So far, I am failing. But I am also always trying.

Motivation

Sometimes it can be hard to motivate myself to get things done. I know that I always feel way better at the end of the day when I've accomplished a lot. I feel better mentally and physically. But sometimes, in the moment, I just don't care. I know that part of this is depression. I've battled with some really hard bouts of depression in the past, and while I wouldn't say that I'm depressed right now, there seems to always be this constant undercurrent of apathy in my mind and heart, and I think that has just become normal for me. It's hard to battle that apathy, but I can do it. I can force myself to get stuff done. The only problem, is that I can't force myself to do creative work, which is what used to bring me such joy. Apathy destroys my creativity, and if I'm not feeling creative, I can't create anything. I wish I could move past this. I want to write. I want to create something artistic and beautiful. First I have to get past this feeling of "meh" to get excited about an idea. That's where my major weakness lies.

Sacrifice, Service, and Lasting Love

Yesterday,  I read an article in which they interviewed a celebrity who recently got divorced. I'm not going to give the celebrity's name, because I frankly don't want to shine any more attention on her. But something she said really disturbed me. She commented how she believes that nothing lasts forever, and it's not possible to love one person forever. She stated that staying married for a long time requires sacrifice, and she'd rather be "happy."

I don't think I could possibly disagree more with that entire statement. She seems to me to have a very selfish and juvenile view of love and happiness and how those two things intertwine. Before I go any further, I have a disclaimer to make: I realize that, in some situations, divorce is the right option. I am not disputing that. I am simply disputing the statement above, that a long, happy marriage is impossible, because sacrifice makes you unhappy.

In my experience, the exact opposite is true. It is only through sacrifice and service that you can be truly, deeply joyful and happy. Yes, selfishness gives some measure of happiness, but that happiness is shallow and fleeting. Deep, abiding love and happiness come from giving of yourself to another. This applies to every kind of love and every kind of relationship: friends, spouses, parent-child, etc. To truly love someone, you must serve them.

I am not a parent, so I recognize that I cannot fully comprehend the love parents have for their children. However, I strongly believe that the main reason parents love their children so deeply is because of the sacrifices they make for them. For 18+ years, parents sacrifice many things for their children, including:

• Time
• Sleep
• Pride/Dignity (like when your kid pukes on you in a public place)
• Money
• Peace of Mind (like when your teenager stays out way past curfew, and you worry sick over it)
• For biological mothers: Physical appearance and well-being (puking for months on end, swollen ankles, stretch marks, etc.)

I'm sure the majority of parents would say that they are more than happy to make these sacrifices for their children, because they love them. And the sacrifices cause them to love their children more, and thus the cycle continues.

The only person to ever live on the earth who loved each of us perfectly is the one person who sacrificed the most for us: Jesus Christ. He laid down his very life for us.

Jeff and I have only been married for about 3 years, but I already have come to learn a few things about true love. That initial "puppy love" feeling fades over time, but it's up to us to determine if it will be replaced by boredom or by a deeper, more abiding love. That deep and abiding love only comes from sacrifice and service. If both partners in a marriage are willing to put the other's needs before their own, their love will last into eternity. Love is a verb, and true love brings the greatest joy in this life, and in the next.

Gordon B. Hinckley, a former president and prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, said:

"The best antidote I know for worry is work. The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired. One of the great ironies of life is this: He or she who serves almost always benefits more than he or she who is served."

70 Times 7

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness recently. Both forgiveness for my own mistakes, and forgiving others. In my natural state, I am a grudge holder. My natural inclination is to mentally list off all of the negative traits of a person who has wronged me until I have convinced myself that they are the most horrible person in existence and I am utterly superior. This is wrong. I know this is wrong. Yet, it's a hard habit to break.

The turning point for me was about a year ago, when I was singing a hymn at church. The hymn is called "Reverently and Meekly Now." I had heard and sung this song many many times in church before, but for some reason this one line really stuck out to me like it never had before: "Oh, forgive as thou wouldst be e'en forgiven now by me."

In that moment, I thought about all the mistakes I've made in the past. I thought about how I have asked God to forgive me. I also thought about how I hoped other people would be patient with me as I worked through my many imperfections. I wanted forgiveness from God. I wanted patience from my peers. Yet, I was unwilling to extend these same courtesies to others. God had allowed me a glimpse at my own pride. He let me know that He was willing to forgive me, but that I needed to extend the same mercy towards others.

I wish I could say that my change of heart was immediate, but it wasn't. I still struggle with old grudges, and new ones, too. But it was the start of a long process. That process is still not complete, and I don't think it ever will be in this life.

One thing I have come to know for certain is that, in an argument, it doesn't matter who is "right." First of all, I truly believe that in most arguments (with very few exceptions), both parties are at fault. And even if I am "right," it doesn't matter. I am only responsible for my actions and my feelings. If I have a negative feeling towards someone, it's my fault, and I can let go of those negative feelings with the help of Jesus Christ. I have tried to be more forgiving in all of my relationships: family, friends, fellow church members, etc. This doesn't always mend relationships, but it mends me and my soul, and for that I am grateful.